Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
Check out Firewalla Gold. I think it would meet all of your requirements.
The Firewalla is pricey but amazing. I am running the Gold at home, and it runs Linux and supports Dockers so I’m running PiHole on the router.
LOL! I had to screen shot this response. Thank you, I needed that laugh! 🤣
This is probably closer to the truth, as I first heard it in Firefly in 2002 before I started hearing it everywhere.