About fucking time. What’s the point in having friends of you can’t drunkenly jump from their moving car in the middle of Death Valley during a heatwave? YOLO!

Edit: Apparently the ridiculous scenario and “YOLO” weren’t enough to indicate that this was sarcasm…

Piss trickling down on us would be an improvement

“Sure, I knew that voting for Trump meant more and worse genocides including on American soil, but I expected it from him. Seeing a genocide under Kamala Harris’s tenure as not-president made me worry she wouldn’t actually help once she became president. And then I’d be disappointed. Why would I want to possibly be disappointed when I can instead experience horrors that meet expectations?”

- Probably a couple million people who shot their foot with their own cut-off nose as ammunition

One of them frequently used to say to me “first to the Jew.” I had to explain how incredibly uncomfortable that made me.

Not every American Jew. *side eyes my own family and about half of my community*

How are my goy friends more Zionist than I am? When’s the last time that letting a government shape policy in the name of religion ended well?

“Overthrow your government for us. C’mon. Do it or I’ll punch you harder!”

What’s Magic Head doing there?

A 72-year-old who was paid $1000 to fight as a mercenary? Can you even travel to the Ukraine from Montana and find a place to stay for less than $1000?

Something doesn’t add up at all.

vowed to present the judges with “extremely serious and extremely solid arguments.″

Super duper totally for real arguments that aren’t made up at all. In fact, you’re the liar!

Hmmm… Might be a good idea to avoid beer halls in Austria right now…

Santa’s about to get fucked

You think you have it bad? I’m from Texas and can’t afford to leave!

They looked at USA’s ongoing dumpster fire to the south and said “that looks nice and warm.”

Debuckle is what my dad did before I got the belt

Whoever says parents aren’t hitting their kids enough either weren’t abused much as a child or were abused far too much. I was abused just enough to avoid ever having kids.

Not Excel, but one of the most hilarious uses of Google Sheets I’ve ever seen

Politics under the guise of religious differences?

He liked fava beanis

Which is why it’s often found on men. Also frequently on women