long post:
I’m a male nurse and 3 days ago, my female colleagues had to deal with an asocial, violent family: the patient’s daughter, her very big and tall husband and 4 other family members that weren’t that aggressive, but said nothing and did nothing to stop the violent family members.
Cardiac unit, they wanted to take the patient for a walk, except that the patient was under monitoring, meaning you cannot.
The nurse in charge, a small woman told the family they couldn’t take the patient out of the unit and the daughter and her husband lost it. Literally. They turned to pure karen mode, started yelling and insulting my colleague, words I’m not going to repeat but it was very denigrating and happened repeatedly, like they were trying to elicit an aggressive response from my colleague so they would have an excuse to get physical, they got 3 inches off her face, the man told her in a very aggressive way he would be waiting for her when she finishes her shift, the woman told her if her father dies, she would hunt her down, also insulted her some more.
All my colleague did was telling them that the patient is under monitoring and cannot leave the unit. My colleague tried to calmly repeat the same line another 2 times, but these 2 people just wouldn’t listen, they started being that aggressive directly.
Security was called, but they never reached the unit on time, cops were not called, a doctor was called as well who came running, repeated what my colleague said, the doctor informed the family the patient could leave against medical advice, the patient refused, the family left, complaining about my colleague, didn’t apologize to her, my colleague needed 30 minutes alone to cry.
Now I’m a male and I have no idea how to react, should that happen during my shift. I have the feeling my female colleagues expect me to intervene, because I’m a man, but I’m not a strong person and I don’t know how to react when an intimidating and aggressive, bigger man than could easily punch me unconscious tells me 3 inches from my face he is going to wait for me when I finish my shift.
I have thought about several scenarios:
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I simply say ‘I’ll call the doctor’, disengage, call security, call the police saying I fear for my security and for my patients’ security and ignore them till they come. Then I tell security and the cops to escort the violent family from the unit. Document. Call the union.
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I confront the violent family: ‘Im not gonna talk to you unless you behave like an adult, call me when you’re ready to do that’. I disengage, call security and the cops and ask for them to come silently because, even though there is no violence, the situation can escalate very quickly and unpredictably and I fear for my safety, my coworkers’ safety and that of my patients. Document, call the union.
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I try calming the violent family: 'calm down, you don’t let me talk, repeat that twice at most. If they don’t behave, I stop engaging, call security and the cops, because I fear for my safety. Document, call the union.
I also don’t know what could I say or do if they keep pestering and goading me when I disengage. Do I try to ignore that? Tell them to stop, looking them in the eye? Repeat ‘I’ll only talk to you when you act like an adult? Repeat ‘leave me alone’? Say ‘I don’t want any trouble with you, but if you attack me I’m going to defend myself?
I also need help to stay safe for the 10 minutes our internal security sometimes need to reach our unit and whatever time the police needs to reach us. Do I make the aggressive person focus on me so my female coworkers are safer? Do I ignore them? This must be one of the creepiest experiences a person has to live.
thank you for your help
I volunteer at a medical facility and I’d do the first or second option.
Also, 10 minutes seems like a lot of time to wait on security. That doesn’t seem safe. I’d talk to a union rep about that.
You mention your union more than once above. Have you asked the union (and management) how to handle situations like this? Are there existing procedures and if not, should they be developed? Should security response time be improved? Are there other changes that should happen?
It seems VERY important that everyone can be safe at work. Neither management nor the union should ignore these issues.
The first option. Also, get every member of staff out of that room and go somewhere secure so they can’t find you. Call the police.
It seems like the better one. Still, there should be policies in place to follow. OP should read up on them as well as communicating with coworkers and admins.
Don’t be a hero is rule nr 1. Always think of your safety first. The first scenario is the correct one. Furthermore - always do things that can lead you to stay safe and deescalate, in that order. When police go to domestic violance cases, they often “fake empathize” with the abuser - even saying shit like “I understand, shit happens” etc. You don’t pile on the pissed off brute, to piss him off even more.
If ever an urge comes to confront, defend, etc - never do it. Or do with the knowledge that you may be harmed and potentially even killed. Or that doing something can lead to career loss, repercussions from the problematic family, lawsuits, etc.
Another history old as time - you see a couple fighting in the public. The dude gets physical. You step up in defense of the victim. Might even punch the guy. Suddenly, you get attacked by both of them. Never play the hero. Get out of sight, call the police / security, if possible get others out of the situation. At the end of the day, you can’t reason with unreasonable people.
Edit: going further, this time the family agreed and left in a fuss after a doctor told them “no” along with the patient. There might be a moment, when that won’t be the case. Again, your safety is paramount. Let them take the patient and go. A defense of “I was fearing for my life” always works then. Security / police are there to stand up to them, not you.
Not a hospital worker, but here’s my suggestion. The moment a threat or threatening behavior (eg getting 3 inches from someone’s face) comes out, they should be banned, full stop. Even if you kinda think they are full of shit and won’t do anything, someone else might feel threatened and that shit needs to be nipped in the bud. Prior to that if they are just raising their voices or otherwise being loud and obnoxious, just start talking slower and more deliberately. Never raise your voice. Just keep to the dullest, most monotonous tone and cadence you can manage. Think Ben Stein going “Bueller?” Never explain reasoning beyond “that’s the rules” or “patient safety” or otherwise vague and void of nuance.
If you see a colleague in those situations, make your presence known. Follow the same guidelines (except if you hear a threat, before engaging you can call security/cops without alerting them). Generally don’t undermine anything a colleague says unless it’s illegal or unsafe. For instance if they say “that’s the rules” but it’s not actually the rules, let that stand. The aggressors would use that to try to divide you and your colleagues and continue to argue/escalate.
I’m just providing medical advice, I cannot recommend your father leave the unit. He is of course free to do so, we don’t kidnap people here, but it would be against medical advice.
– Don’t make the situation you verse them. Your medical professional, you’re rendering professional advice, you cannot advise the action they want to take. End of the discussion, there’s nothing to argue. You simply cannot endorse their plan
